Detour Ahead

I lost it today. I was driving home from hitting golf balls. I had my windows down, intermittent sun warming my car seats. The giant, marbly clouds way above my sunroof were hovering heavily, bearing the weight of the rain for another half hour or so. I was in a good mood. I hit some pretty good balls. I needed to practice my chipping, but overall I was very happy with my distance and aim. Then all these pleasing, transient thoughts were interrupted by a slight pause. Nothingness. All of a sudden the reality of my brother not being alive hit me like a full impact collision. I screamed at the top of my lungs, driving about 50mph down Route 2, “What the f**************ck!!!!!!!!” It was as if I had just found out about his death. I had trouble breathing so I pulled over to the side of the road. 

This happens often. We can be fine, going about our daily routines thinking everything is peaceful, but even within the happiest of moments, the reality of the death exists. Most of the time it lurks in the shadows, but when it appears suddenly is when it’s most forceful, knocking us off our seats. We have to hold on with all our strength and take a quick detour for a while but, eventually, we’ll get back on the road again.


favabean75 said...

i just came to your page after bursting out. the only way to explain it is exactly what you said that all of a sudden the reality of ur loved one not being a live hits you like a collision. the last week or month or so its suddenly becoming new again just like u said. i think u explained it perfectly by saying it's like new again. maybe because its my friends 1 year mark for when he passed is coming up, i am not sure. i dreamt of my friend the past two nights and in the dream he came back to life and everything was normal again and it felt real. maybe this has something to do with it.

i completely agree with even in the happiest moments you still know everything that has happened and that will always be there. at times when i laugh now i feel as tho sometimes i stop myself sooner than later. because like u said the reality of the sadness that resides is still there, lurking in the shadows.

trish said...

The fact that the year anniversary is imminent definitely has something to do with you dreaming about him and having more frequent outbursts. Just as long as you know they may happen whenever, where ever, you'll be okay. They can't be prevented so what I've learned is to just let them happen. It's your heart and inner being needing to purge. Let it happen, then let it pass. ox