I lost it today. I was driving home from hitting golf balls. I had my windows down, intermittent sun warming my car seats. The giant, marbly clouds way above my sunroof were hovering heavily, bearing the weight of the rain for another half hour or so. I was in a good mood. I hit some pretty good balls. I needed to practice my chipping, but overall I was very happy with my distance and aim. Then all these pleasing, transient thoughts were interrupted by a slight pause. Nothingness. All of a sudden the reality of my brother not being alive hit me like a full impact collision. I screamed at the top of my lungs, driving about 50mph down Route 2, “What the f**************ck!!!!!!!!” It was as if I had just found out about his death. I had trouble breathing so I pulled over to the side of the road.
This happens often. We can be fine, going about our daily routines thinking everything is peaceful, but even within the happiest of moments, the reality of the death exists. Most of the time it lurks in the shadows, but when it appears suddenly is when it’s most forceful, knocking us off our seats. We have to hold on with all our strength and take a quick detour for a while but, eventually, we’ll get back on the road again.