A poem from ELEGY by Mary Jo Bang

UTOPIAN LONGING BECOMES MORE ABSURD

After the beloved is dead.

After the personal history ends

With a glassy-eyed over, it's been,

Says a polar presence. Cold

Juxtaposes with the waning warmth

Of the human. Cold, and its polar

Opposite. There was once

An earlier epoch

Of four-wheeled skates, a Philadelphia

Sidewalk, when imagination corresponded

To a future. Here is the tormented

Arithmetic of one minus one. The zero

In one now hides the other. This is

What it looks like. A domino sequence

Of nothing becoming a spectacle

Watched for a while

(The gate latch sticks and then clicks)

While eating a cone of cotton candy.

A poem from Mary Jo Bang's National Book Critics Circle Award Winning book, Elegy.

By Graywolf Press

After the Holidays

The holidays are over thank goodness. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy the holidays to some extent, but they’re not the same, obviously. November through January is a very difficult time for those who have lost a loved one. There is heartache, happiness, confusion, joy, depression, and for me personally, an indulgence in pasta. 

December 2006, two months after my brother passed away, I attended a ‘getting through the holidays without your loved one’ seminar at the local hospice. There were about 20 people there--teenagers and older folks, men and women. Little did I know at that time (because I was still in a complete fog), it was going to be so helpful each holiday season thereafter. The two women speaking from hospice were extremely knowledgeable and kind. They talked about how the grieving process is a roller coaster; we made memory keepsakes of our loved ones; we shared our stories if we wanted; and one really wonderful thing they did was give us a little gold jingle bell on a ribbon. It was to signify how much ‘jingle’ --happiness for the season-- we wanted to allow ourselves to have. If we wanted to be a part of the joyfulness of the season, then we can hold it in our hand and jingle it for as long as we wanted. If we’re not feeling in the mood for the holidays, then maybe just one shake of the bell would do. No matter how we felt about the holiday season, we were told that it was okay if we didn’t want a lot of ‘jingle’ this time of year. 

It was such a simple gift yet so effective. I have kept that little bell on a stand in my foyer ever since. I look at it every day and remind myself that--even though the holiday season is over-- I am the one who has control over whether or not I want ‘jingle’ as I go about my day and it’s okay to want a lot or none at all. 

I encourage those who have lost a loved one to contact your local hospice. They are not only incredible caregivers, they have programs and counseling on bereavement. Click here to find the local hospice near you.

These Days Vol. 4

1. Rusty Nails / 4:32 / Moderat
2. Zero / 4:26 / Yeah Yeah Yeahs
3. Drunk Fun In London / 5:44 / Vincent Oliver
4. Fifths / 6:19 / Deadmau5
5. Green Eyed Love (Classixx Remix) / 5:08 / Mayer Hawthorne
6. Ashes On the Fire / 4:26 / Richard Hawley
7. Tom Sawyer / 4:34 / Rush
8. Ring the Bell / 4:23 / YACHT
9. Puppy Toy / 3:30 / Tricky
10. Too Late to Think / 4:00 / Slaraffenland
11. Velvet / 4:12 / The Big Pink
12. Forget My Name (feat. Hot Chip) / 4:20 / Jesse Rose
13. Brass In Pocket / 3:06 / Pretenders
14. Heartbreaker (feat. John Legend) / 3:13 / MSTRKRFT
15. At Forest Edge / 5:49 / Vetiver
16. Headphone Space / 4:47 / A Sunny Day In Glasgow
17. My Last Days on Earth / 4:39 / Bill Monroe

Grief Expectations

This is a well-known list of what you can expect from your grief. I keep a copy of this with me and read it occasionally. Not everyone will experience all of these things but I can honestly say I certainly have during my grief journey.

You can expect that:

• Your grief will take longer than most people think.
• Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.
• Your grief will involve many changes and be continually developing.
• Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life.
• Your grief will depend upon how you perceive the loss.
• You will grieve for many things both symbolic and tangible, not just the death alone.
• You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.
• Your grief will entail mourning not only for the actual person you lost but also for all of the hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person, and for the needs that will go unmet because of the death.
• Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not solely those that are generally thought of as grief, such as depression and sadness.
• You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, frustration, annoyance, or intolerance.
• You may have a lack of self-concern.
• You may experience grief spasms, acute upsurges of grief that occur suddenly with no warning.
• You will have trouble thinking (memory, organization and intellectual processing) and making decisions.
• You may feel like you are going crazy.
• You may be obsessed by the death and preoccupied with the deceased.
• You may begin to search for meaning and may question your religion and/or philosophy of life.
• You may find yourself acting socially in ways that are different from before.
• You may find yourself having a number of physical reactions.
• You may find that there are certain dates, events, and stimuli that bring upsurges in grief.
• Society will have unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately to you.
• Certain experiences later in life may resurrect intense grief for you temporarily.

In summary, your grief will bring with it, depending upon the combination of factors above, an intense amount of emotion that will surprise you and those around you.

Memorial Video

Click here to see the memorial video I made of Bob.